Category — Order in the Skort!

En route to my fab new office at National Harbor, or at other prime people-watching places about town, I don’t miss a trick on the streets. Every fashion statement, hit, and misstep is catalogued in the blink of my Gucci-shaded eyes. 

Lately, a trend-gone-wrong that has stopped me in my click-clacks – and, if I weren’t a lady, would leave my jaw hanging – is the shirtdress. It may as well be renamed the “dress-shirt” – as in, dress that shirt up with some pants, please!

When you get it right, a simple, clean-cut shirtdress is a chic staple every girl should own. My pretty picks: Ralph’s timeless number in rich buttery biscuit and Shoshanna’s prim perfection in geranium.

The cherry on top? Pockets! Frocks with pockets make me smile & want to toss my Burberry hat in the air à la Mary Tyler Moore.

A shirtdress is also the perfect answer to that daily nagging question, “What on earth will I wear today?” as you stand in a closet stuffed with clothes and shoes. Girl, you know it’s true.

Buyer beware:  there’s a sea of wannabe shirtdresses out there just waiting for you to slip-up, so a discerning eye is critical. Don’t be fooled by cheaper fabrics that are ill-fitting and cause those unsightly in-between-button pulls. If the fabric looks and feels cheap, it probably is!

A hint that a dress is well made? You guessed it: frock pockets. Just knowing they exist makes me feel 110% sassier.

The tip du jour?  The shirtdress is a dress styled with the details of a shirt. Not a shirt to be worn as a dress. So if it looks like you’re channeling Tom Cruise à la Risky Business - call me a relic, call me what you will, say I’m old-fashioned, say I’m over the hill – you should probably put some pants on.

As I look at the gowns streaming down the red carpet I always wonder what makes a gown Oscar-worthy? Even for those lucky celebs who have numerous occasions to get dolled up for, the Academy Awards are still a pretty monumental wardrobe decision.

So knowing the style stakes are so high, it’s always surprising to me that some actresses can still manage to get it wrong. Of course there’s a few who get it right. These are the Oscars! I expect to be shown something pretty that wows me!  Here’s some highlights from 2010:

Demi Moore – I adored her feminine, perfectly draped, peach ruffle-tiered Versace. She gets my best-dressed vote! The only thing missing? Her perfect accessory-of-a-husband.

Sarah Jessica Parker – I loved her pale yellow, metallic rosette-encrusted Chanel gown. Along with her piled-high hair, it reminded me of something Holly Golightly would wear.

Rachel McAdams – was feminine and pretty in a refreshing watercolor Elie Saab frock in blue, green and pink.

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I’m sure you’ve seen the dresses. They’re everywhere.  Basically, they’re the worst of the color-block trend: the top half  is one color, the bottom is another color, and the waist band is (you guessed it) yet another shade. What I need to know is, when did this so-called trend start – and more importantly, when will it end?

No wonder the girl above looks so annoyed – she has buyer’s remorse. Her dress doesn’t even fit well. What drives a girl to purchase this? And what is running through her mind when she wears it for the first time? I’m guessing something along the lines of, “Oh look at me! I’m wearing a dress that is one color on top, and a different color on the bottom! But wait, it gets better! There is also a third band of (insert any color) at the waist – how clever! I’m such a fashion risk-taker!”

Celebs aren’t exempt. Even with Kelly’s belt and Miley’s beads it’s still just a boring, cookie-cutter dress.

This look bored me to tears the first time I saw it, and it will continue to, until the trend dies. It’s not that the dress is necessarily hideous – I’m sure a girl could look cute wearing it (I’ll concede “cute” to Miley above) – but what’s unique, fun, or fashion forward about it? Crickets chirping…

Some attempts have been made to seasonally update it – with cap sleeves, short sleeves, even ¾ and long sleeves – but really, what’s the difference? Same snoozefest, different sleeves.

Maybe I’m in the minority here and I’m sorry if you have one hanging in your closet (and if you do, feel free to let me know what makes it so fab) – but as Tim Gunn would say, I’m just not “wowed”.

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz….. wake me up when this excuse of a trend has run its course…

Thanks to Eric in Richmond for suggesting this fashion offense as a topic!

Enough said.

You wake up one morning and as you’re looking in your closet, trying to plan which cute outfit you will wear, it hits you.  You decide, “Today I’m going to wear a white cotton pencil skirt.”  Before slipping into the skirt, do you first put on:

A)   Nothing, just forget the undergarments altogether!

B)   A skin-toned thong or boyshorts

C)   Saggy granny panties

If you answered A (really??) – I can’t help you, Britney.  If you answered B, you get an A+.  If you answered C, well…did you take the metro to the Pentagon City mall yesterday about 7:30pm? You were in front of me on the “up” escalator, so I couldn’t have ignored you if I tried — and believe me I tried.

I can’t imagine what possessed you to put on the baggy granny panties underneath such a white, form-fitting skirt – perhaps you hadn’t done laundry in a while? Although I’m afraid that is not the case.

I can’t believe I even have to post this, but if you’re going to wear white, you wear skin-colored lingerie. You want to match the color as closely as you can to your own skin tone. It’s that simple. Also, the tighter the clothing, the more imperative it is that the undergarment fits well, because if  it’s too tight (or too loose, in this case) it will cause those unsightly lines.

Hanky Panky has some great thongs and boyshorts, especially the low-rider style. Victoria’s Secret also carries several “no show” styles that will nicely do the trick.

If you already knew this, pat yourself on the back, you get a gold star.